I sit here fully aware and in touch with this ache in my heart that has been present for some time now. It is a feeling of constriction that borders on pain. A tightness that closes off my heart and clenches my throat. A feeling of “ick” that I simply cannot seem to rid myself of. I have been aware of its presence, yet I have not been able to understand it. I have felt anxious, impatient, and angry. I have felt depleted, lost, and afraid. It has seemed that no matter what I do, I have been unable to free myself from its grip on me.
As I have struggled to make sense of it all, I have felt as though I am on this roller coaster ride, unable to get off. As I have written before, there has been a continuous cycle of periods of clarity and freedom followed by periods of confusion and pain. As time has progressed I have begun to feel depleted and discouraged, wondering how I am going to find my way out. Will I ever discover my deepest truth and be able to enjoy the contentment and peace that I so desire?
In my search for answers within, I came to the very difficult and emotional discovery that I am in need of forgiveness. I have found my way to forgiving others, but had yet to find my way to forgiving myself. As I am the creator of my reality, I am the one responsible for the roller coaster ride I have been riding. I have been punishing myself by creating a cycle of pain. Making myself pay for any clarity or happiness that I feel. Being tougher on me than I ever could be on anyone else, unwilling to give myself a break.
I once read that sometimes we hold onto pain and suffering as a way to prevent ourselves from moving forward. By holding onto the pain we are able to remain where we are, without having to face our fears of the unknown, even if where we are is not very pleasant. As I begin this process of self- forgiveness I am keenly aware of the fears that arise, fears that result in my desire to cling to the past, even though it is painful and completely irrational. By not forgiving myself I haven’t had to move forward and face the unknown.
What I know in my heart as I write this is that I am ready to forgive myself and move forward. I know that my fears are irrational thoughts given to me by my ego in an effort to protect me from future pain. I know that in being so hard on myself I have punished me far more than ever could be deserved. I know that I love the person that I am completely and that it is time to set myself free. I am taking down the prison of struggle that I have created, opening my world to the ease, contentment, and peace that I know is the universe. Another level of freedom is upon me!