Feelings present themselves in a very powerful way. So powerful that I, for a very long time, followed them wherever they seemed to want me to go. If I felt something then I acted upon it. I believed that my feelings represented my heart and so following my feelings meant that I was following my heart.
As I continued to do this, I found that I was constantly repeating the pattern of acting on my feelings and then struggling with this sense of having abandoned myself. I would feel discontent in my heart and a great deal of confusion around what I really sought in my life. I was then struggling to make decisions, unsure of what it was I truly wanted. Could I really be that out of touch with my inner voice and my true self?
As I sat here to write today, I sat with a heavy heart. I had been filled with feelings of sadness, longing, and heartache throughout the day. As these feelings continuously journeyed into my awareness, I sat as an observer watching their effects and the thoughts that began to stir. I made a choice to allow my heavy heart to exist within me, without judgment and without any attempts to make these feelings disappear. I chose to learn today and to understand what these feelings have to teach.
The thought quickly came into my awareness that my feelings really have nothing to do with following my heart. As a matter of fact, truly following my heart means having the courage to do so in the face of my feelings. Having the courage to do the thing that serves my higher self and my journey in this universe even though my feelings may be begging me to do otherwise. Not always the easy choice but certainly the one to bring fulfillment.
As I contemplate this realization I am immediately aware of all the times that I did in fact follow my heart even though my feelings were not in agreement. I am immediately reminded of the sense of contentment that resulted. I am keenly aware that feelings fade over time while that sense of self-abandonment only intensifies. This concept is absolutely freeing to me and I can feel I am filling with excitement and anticipation. For so long I have been a victim to my feelings and now I move forward with the courage to follow my heart.
Jennifer, today is a difficult day for me. I have been stalled in my writing and a swirl of stress-producing events have cascaded over me. But I've tried to stay centered and strong, letting the bad feelings course their way through me, not fighting them, just accepting them. Or so I try to do. This post nearly brought me to tears as I feel the empathetic presence of you. Thank you.
Tom... I am so glad we are able to provide these little gifts to one another through our writing. Sometimes just sitting is all that we are meant to do.
Hi Jennifer,
I love your writings! You remind me of me. I know what it's like to FEEL and react to FEELINGS. I used to say things like I'm a Scorpio, I'm a woman, I'm Latin... all excuses for being the emotional person I am. I've realized that I can control my emotions through my thoughts. If your feelings come from thoughts, then you can control your feelings. This has been one of the most difficult things I've learned. I realized that I just wanted to feel something. Whether it was good or bad, it didn't matter. I bet you're like me in that way too. When I'm sad, dark clouds of depression cover your every step. And when you're happy, even the hummingbirds outside are happy with you. I've learned to control my thoughts through quieting my mind- meditation and daily affirmations. It's not easy. The way that I see it, we all have our challenges. Not being so emotional is my challenge. Some people don't know how to control what they eat. Some people convince themselves that all they deserve is being in abusive relationships. I struggle with meditation everyday, but the more I do it, the more I learn how to control my thoughts and depression doesn't find mind as frequently.
Funny... I am a Scorpio too!! Yes I can relate to a great deal of what you are saying. I especially am drawn to the line "I just wanted to feel something." I have never thought of it in that way and am looking forward to thinking on that. I too have found meditation, yoga, and writing to be of great tools to me. I love the awareness of myself in which it brings. Completely freeing!!!!