I find that I am feeling disconnected from myself as though I am unable to reach a piece of me trying desperately to call out. I can sense its existence and feel its strong need to be seen or heard?, yet I am unable to fully grasp it into my awareness. I have no clear understanding of what it is or where it is rooted, though its presence will not be denied. This lack of clarity causes me to feel nervous, scared even, and uninspired.
And so I sit here tonight attempting to write, although writing has not come easily to me these past days. I have sat with my lack of inspiration, understanding that there are great lessons to learn in letting it exist and not forcing or pushing myself in any direction. The further I get from writing though, the further I seem to get from me. I witness fears arising within me, fears that feed my ego and disconnect me from my heart. The vicious circle ensues in which my lack of inspiration leaves me unable to write while at the same time my lack of writing leaves me feeling uninspired. And here I am caught in this web of discontent and fragmentation.
As I struggle to write this I come upon the thought that I have in the past many times lost sight of myself. As a matter of fact, for years I lived not even knowing the person I truly was, my purpose in life, or my message in the universe. The most shocking part is that I lived most of that time completely unaware of my disconnection. Was this vague sense of discontent a feeling I had all along but ignored? Or had I lost such site of myself that the sense didn’t even exist?
I am not sure the answer really matters though I am aware that the feeling is somewhat paralyzing me today. I have come to a place of such peace, acceptance, and contentment with whom I am and my purpose in this universe, a completely new space for me to exist. I think a part of me is still assimilating to this and I also think a part of me is afraid of losing site of my true self again. I am aware that fear is paralyzing and this seems to be the lesson the universe seeks to teach me today. It is with faith and trust that I will grant myself the time I require to adapt to my new state of being. Knowing there is nothing to fear because all is always there within me. Perceiving this discontent as the gift of now being tuned into the little whispers from the universe.
It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself like you did here. While so many rant from a soap box you have a way of appealing to your reader while remaining humble in what you scribe. It is obviously an outlet for you and I hope you always have that release it appears to give you when broadcasting from your keyboard. Very heartfelt. Coming to terms with "fear" as an entity is one of those levels in life few are successful at passing. Once we master our own fear we are able to embrace the strength we have had all along. Let me give you an opinion as well; Your display if vulnerability in this post shows the amount of control you have over "fear" and I think that you have mastered it in a way that dumbs it down to perhaps "uncertainty." There is nothing wrong with either but I can connect with you on so many points you made. You have an ability, a gift when it comes to writing and it touches the reader in a manner that leaves them questioning themselves as to their own course in life and what the universe has in store. It is rare that people speak this way yet you seemed to have masterd it like a craft. It is this which makes you different from the rest so hang on to it. Being "of the heart" or "from the heart" in today's crazy world is to take that which is taboo and off limits to a stranger and put it out there with the uncertainty you display while maintaining complete control. In the hands of a less talented scribe this would read as a cry for help yet you manage to make it a mantra and illustrate how liberated you are by it. I love that. Keep it up. You don't use your words to hide from yourself and that is rare. I am an instant fan and I am glad, if nothing else, the universe has led me to your page. Your work has an intoxicating effect on its readers. Nice job and "Thank You." - Shane Smith
Shane... thank you for your heartfelt reply. Writing does serve as an outlet for me and with it I find great healing. For me the journey is about growing and connecting with others. I am so blessed to have connected with you!
Again, your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable in your writing shines through. So much of my falling away comes from looking back or looking ahead. No need to fear what may come- we can't know what that will be or look like. No need to look back- that's all done and gone.
By sharing your struggles, you help us all.
Thank you Tom... putting it all on paper helps me to find me again. What you say is so true... staying in the present and living through your heart!! Thank you!