As I continue to sit with the discontent and disconnection I feel in my heart, I watch as fear and anxiety continue to grow within me. It has been such a long time since I have felt this way and I am struggling with this strong desire to find peace in my heart once again. I miss feeling inspired, connected, and open to the universe that surrounds me. I feel completely off center, as though I am losing myself, and as you can probably imagine, I am scared.
Buddhist philosophy speaks of the importance of letting go of attachment in order for us to end our suffering. When I think of attachment I often times think of the attachment I feel towards people in my life, material things, even the role I play in the world. It is easy to forget that I can also become very attached to emotions or states of being. I find myself now struggling with my attachment to the space of peace and contentment I had been living in until recently. I long to return there and have been grasping to find ways to go back.
In my last blog I left off with allowing myself time to sit with the lessons being offered from the universe. In this process I have been meditating, reading, and journaling. I have been attempting to think of every resource or idea possible that will guide me back to the space I was in. As I sit and write this now I am keenly aware of my words and can see that I have been creating my own obstacles and causing myself unnecessary struggle. The attachment in and of itself represents my fear. The fear that what awaits me may not be as good as this blissful past I have experienced. In a sense, I have been clinging to the past to avoid moving forward.
I now understand that in addition to allowing the fear and discontent to exist I also must let go of the idea that I will return to the state of being I was in. I must let go completely, having faith in wherever it is I am headed. My journey is not and never will be to go backwards, rather it is to move forward and continue to discover and uncover all that lies within me. Here lies the answer to what has been leaving me afraid and paralyzed: I can not know what tomorrow will bring I can simply sit in gratitude for where I have been and have faith in where I am going.
Hi Jennifer. You are an inspiration! I have felt this way too. It's so refreshing to read someone honest and real. I hope we can remind each other and others out there that they are not alone. Emotion, heart and vulnerability make the foundation for who we really are...it takes strength to embrace it...the good and the bad. It's all love!
Agreed. It is such a beautiful learning process and I am learning to embrace the hills and valleys. Enjoying my adventure:-))
Hi Jennifer,
I have written extensively on my journey and challenges. I've realized that the more I focus on the past, the worse I feel. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. The Buddhist have it right. Letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself. For me, letting go was forcing myself to think of the positive and not the negative. This is a rather militant stance, but that's what did it for me. I forced myself to think of the happy things around me. I decorated my house with happy things. I had little sayings like - Dream Big. Focus on the positive, and you will attract positive. The past is only negative, and you will only attract negative if you look back. My friend Lori once said, there is no fear in the present. I wrote something about this recently. There's no fear in loving me now, or my pink toenail polish, or how the gentle light covers my laptop at THIS very moment. Can't wait to read more of your writings...
What you write is so very true. In learning to let go of past pain I somehow overlooked letting go of past happiness. Either forms an attachment that prevents me from living in the present. I appreciate your response and am grateful to share with you. I would love to read your writings... can you share your site?
Lately Jen, I have been petrified too - where I'm going, why am I here, wasted time, why did I do this and that, why did I make that mistake, why did I go against my instincts, why did I say what I said? Some days I'm so resentful at myself and others, but I keep telling myself I'm meant to be where I'm at and feeling the way I do. The purpose is something larger and as a result, even the bad, I'm where I'm suppose to be. Accepting this status is tough esp. putting on a brave front w/daily responsibilites but the universe is teaching me something. I'm not sure what it is, not knowing is really scary. Some days I'm ok with it, some days I'm not AT ALL. I may not be handling it like a rockstar all the time but as times moves forward I'm more ok with it than the day before and that to me is progress; even during periods where I take steps backwards. I may not be able to control the universe but I can control being ok with what the universe throws at me. Like yourself, I've been throwing myself into anything positive; writing, reading, the gym, my family, nature, meditation, being alone with my scary thoughts and fears. It is in my introspective journey and studying that I'm learning all of this, stumbling along the way...but that is normal & ok. Anyone who says they’ve reached where their suppose to be in life has stopped evolving. I like to look at it like we’re the lucky ones :) Let’s keep sharing and thank you for being a huge mentor & motivator to myself & others. -Michele Minicozzi
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I too agree that we are blessed to be on this journey. At times it may feel like a struggle though the growth and awareness that results is priceless. I am so grateful to connect with others like you and share our experiences and discoveries.